It’s been five months since we moved into our new home.  Yay!

Things are coming along nicely.  The construction is mostly done – well, we thought we were done, until one of the upstairs light switches began sizzling every time it was turned on.  At which point, we checked all the other switches upstairs and discovered the majority of them had burn marks, and the two overhead lights in the bedrooms are at least 60 years old.  So now we need the electrician who did the downstairs work to come back and do the upstairs work.  Bummer.

Otherwise, we are quite pleased with our new digs.  Our main goal in selling our old house was to get away from those loony neighbors, and we accomplished that.  Our new neighbors are pretty much what we wanted – nodding hello and otherwise leaving us alone, but I know if we had an emergency, we could go to any one of them for help.

No neighborhood is perfect, of course.  So, to avoid future problems, I have a few words of advice for my new neighbors:

To the members of the Church on the corner:  OK, I know services are held early on Sunday mornings, and we knew that moving in.  But really, must your parishioners be so happy at that time of the morning, when I’m trying to sleep?  What can we do about that?

To the Church Pastor, who lives next door:  I can’t begin to tell you how pleased we are to have a normal family next to us, and your wife and kids are lovely.  But see above – we do appreciate the fact that you snowblow the sidewalk in front of our house, but really, must you do it so early in the morning?  It upsets Puppy Cody, and her barking drives me nuts.

To the family who lives on the other side:  Talk about keeping to yourselves!  We never see you except when you go in and out of the house – which, of course, is the way we like it.  But I did notice when we moved in last summer that there was at least one ball on the border of my yard, and you’re probably not aware that we have an extreme sensitivity to balls coming into our yard (click here).  In light of that, please train your little girls to keep all toys on your side of the property line, and should a ball or other toy come into my yard, they are never, ever to come over after it.  We’ll throw it back when we damn well feel like it.  I really don’t want to have to stand out there screaming, “Get the hell off my lawn!”

To the lady down the street who knows everything about everyone:  Every neighborhood needs that one neighbor who watches over (um, spies on) everyone else.  I did enjoy our chat wherein you told me the history of every resident on the street, including tidbits about who’s married and who’s not (with or without kids), where everyone works, who drives what vehicle, who has dogs, who has cats, which family has difficult children, etc.  You may come gossip about the rest of the neighbors whenever you wish – but I forbid you to talk to the other neighbors about my husband and me.  ‘Nuff said.

To the Administrator of the nearby school:  Since we don’t have that fence yet, we’ve been bringing Puppy Cody over to your fine facility for evening walks.  We do appreciate  the signs indicating that pet walking is acceptable so long as the owner cleans up after, and we do that.  My only complaint is that you could do a little better job of clearing the sidewalks around the athletic complex.  Sure, I understand it’s the dead of winter and you’re not currently holding outdoor events, but it’s been quite difficult climbing over the snowbanks and skating over the ice just so Cody can do her business.  I’m sure there are other pet owners who would agree with me.  Thank you.

To everyone who drives the main streets outside our little subdivision:  You people are all aggressive, inconsiderate jerks, and I’m glad you don’t actually live here.  Where are you going that’s so important you need to push everyone else out of the way?  Have you never heard of turn signals?  It’s that little blinking light on the back edge of the car, and mine is usually blinking on the right because I’m turning onto my street.  Trying to run me off the road into the front of the Church is not going to make me turn any faster.

As my steady readers know, the foregoing is meant in a satirical, lighthearted manner.  I really shouldn’t have to say that, but there’s always that one reader who’s going to berate me for not giving my new neighbors the chance they deserve.  Rest assured, this was the best move we’ve ever made.  We love our new neighborhood, and come warmer weather we might even throw that darn ball back right away!

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Images by Cordelia’s Mom