Gobble Me Up

November

COMING THIS MONTH

  • Back to the beginning – November 6, 2013
  • Maybe someday – November 14, 2013
  • Another balls story – November 21, 2013
  • Keep those tissues handy – November 28, 2013

Be sure to adjust your schedule to allow time to read me each week!

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Cordelia’s Mom reserves the right to modify the above schedule, or to insert additional posts, if she comes up with some absolutely awe-inspiring idea for a post (hell, it could happen).

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As always, I love to hear from my readers:  cordeliasmom2012@yahoo.com

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Image by:  cfinke

Posted in Previews, That's Life | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Designer Kids – Breeding Perfection?

DNAI recently read an article in our local newspaper indicating that 23andMe, a genetic testing company, has been granted US. Patent No. 8,543,339, entitled “Gamete donor selection based on genetic calculations.”  (Wow, that’s a mouthful, isn’t it?)

Essentially, as I understand it (and I have absolutely no scientific background, mind you), the purpose is to enable people to predict the genetic traits of babies based on the DNA of the parents.

I’d like to think the patent was obtained with the viewpoint that parents could breed out inherited diseases, but I’m guessing there are people who would love to use such testing to “design” their offspring – you know:

Add a Gene/Change a Gene/Delete a Gene (E-I-E-I-O)

Without getting into the ethics and politics surrounding this patent, I would simply like to say:

If parents could design their offspring, 99.9% of the kids born in the future would behave a whole lot differently than they do today.

I mean, what prospective mother could resist the opportunity to breed into her child an obsession to clean his or her own room without prompting?

What prospective father could resist  growing the next [INSERT NAME OF PRO-SPORTS PLAYER HERE]?

Both parents would want to assure that their 16-year-old daughters had an inborn aversion to dating before the age of 30 (and then only with Dad’s express permission).

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if parents could totally breed out sassing, stubbornness, “I hate you and wish you were dead!”, etc. etc.

BootiesEven better, maybe we could set up the genetics in such a way that the child went immediately from the cute-new-baby phase to the thank-god-he (or she)- is-finally-an-adult phase!

Never mind the blue eyes, handsome face, beautiful  body – I want to choose my kids’ personalities!

Can we find a way to take the kids who are already here and change their genetics NOW, so that they become Stepford-children?

I love all three of my girls, but it would have been so much easier to raise them if they didn’t have that normal teenage hatred of obedience!

So what do you say, folks – want to get on-board with the idea of assembly-line children?  Or should we just muddle through with genetically flawed beings like those that populate the world today?  After all, you wouldn’t have to worry about your perfectly designed child growing up to become, say, an actor, a comedian, a writer [heaven forbid!], or a politician.  Is that cool or what?

Not.

(Actually, now that I think of it, that patent is self-destructive.  People who would choose to “design” their offspring are so flawed themselves that their DNA isn’t likely to make it into that new gene pool anyway.)

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I always love to hear from my readers:  cordeliasmom2012@yahoo.com

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Images by:  Be-Younger.com, and Sunshinewalks (Lisa Bruce), respectively

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Stop Saying I’m a Nice Person!

MotherHubbardA lot of my clients and a lot of my readers seem to be under the assumption that I am a nice, grandmotherly type person.

That’s is so not true.

Please be advised that I cheat at Super Text Twist.  When I get stumped, I go onto my favorite anagrams website and find the word I need to win the level.  As of the writing of this post, I have had the same game running for a couple of years and have accrued over 66,500 points (woo-hoo, my life is soooo exciting!)

In addition, I constantly yell at other drivers.

Here are just a few examples (but I can get really creative sometimes …):

001

  • Driver in front of me makes a really slow turn:  Just do it already – you’re not driving a semi!
  • Driver in front of me fails to use a turn signal:  What – I’m supposed to guess? Or don’t they require signals wherever you come from?”
  • Driver behind me is way too close:  Wanna just join me in my own back seat?”
  • Car in front of me has a flower on the antenna and a white-haired driver, and is going really, really slow:  Come on, Granny, you can do it!
  • Driver cuts me off, and then goes too slow:  If you’re going to cut somebody off, you might want to get out of the [effing] way!
  • Driver in front of me sits at the stop sign, seemingly forever: You know – it’s STOP AND GO, not STOP AND STAY!
  • Driver in front of me takes off really slow when the light changesCome on, didn’t that [INSERT CAR MODEL HERE] come with an engine?
  • Driver in front of me doesn’t take off when the light changes – or starts to go and then stops again – and I almost get rear-ended by the car behind me:  Goddammit, would you just [effing] go?
  • Driver in front of  me has his/her left arm out the window, usually with a cigarette at the end of it, and is driving in very leisurely mannerOK, I know you’re going to do something stupid, so I’ll just stay way back here.
  • Driver in front of me throws a cigarette or some other trash out the window:  PIG!

(That almost backfired once, when I happened to glance in my rearview mirror and found a cop car behind me … fortunately it was summer and my windows were up to keep the air conditioning in, and I wasn’t doing any illegal driving at that particular moment.)

  • Everyone else gets the non-verbal finger wave, the number of fingers depending on the severity of the affront.

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While I try to be a nicer person once I get to the office, sometimes things just get to me, ya know?

AngerFor instance, it was a very stressful time at work.  We were in temporary offices after a fire, my boss’s secretary had quit, and he was trying to get by with a temp.  My boss was out of town, and the temp did something really stupid.

  • My boss called in from wherever he was and yelled at ME for the temp’s error.
  • I yelled back and threatened to quit.
  • My boss backed off.
  • I hung up.

The temp, who had overheard my side of the conversation, skittered into my office and asked what she could do to help.

She, too, must’ve thought I was a nice person, because she was quite surprised when I lost it and snapped:

YOU!  Go back into your office, sit down, and LEAVE ME ALONE!

She skittered away – and I felt like shit, especially since this temp was older than me by a number of years and really was a sweet, albeit somewhat stupid, woman.

After I finally cooled off, I did apologize to her, but our work relationship was never the same.  Thankfully (well, for me, anyway) she got fired as soon as the boss returned the following week, thereby relieving me of the need to be extra nice to make up for my nastiness.

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Try as I might, I simply can’t change my basic personality.  I can put on a good, professional front for work and a nice, sweet face for social occasions, but I’m still ME.  And ME still isn’t Mother Teresa.

And that’s probably never going to change.

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As always, I love to hear from my readers:  cordeliasmom2012@yahoo.com

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Images by: Heather F, and Cordelia’s Mom’s Dad (sometime around 1955-ish!), and Liberty Photos, respectively

Posted in Relationships, Road Trips & Cars, That's Life | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

Statistics Don’t Lie … Or Do They?

KeepCalmThis post was not on my Preview of Coming Attractions, but I’m pissed and felt a need to write it NOW.

Either NO ONE at all is reading me (and I find that REALLY hard to believe seeing as my posts are so unique, funny, etc.), or the WordPress statistics are simply wrong or too confusing to follow.

I know people are, in fact, reading because I have followers (and finally, there are more non-family than family followers), MailChimp says the majority of people on my list actually open their emails, and I get email and comments from readers on Facebook in addition to the normal comments on the blog itself.

Those of you who are experienced, established bloggers probably don’t worry much about statistics these days.  But for those of us just starting out, statistics are the Holy Grail by which we judge our worthiness.

After each published post, a new blogger will go onto his or her WordPress website and check those stats EVERY FIVE MINUTES!  (Well, at least I did/do!)

It took me awhile to figure out that posts read through the RSS feeds are calculated in a different area on WordPress – you have to go into the post itself and check the statistics there, and then it will tell you how many “views” are RSS.  RSS feed readers are not included in the numbers you see on the WordPress Stats page.

Even then, things didn’t seem to add up.  I started getting “followers” who, according to WordPress, had never even “viewed”my page.  Hmmmmmm?  Turns out, people who read my posts through the WordPress Reader page don’t count towards the statistics, and I only know if they’re reading when they sign up to “follow” me.

On one recent post, I checked the stats and learned that I had only one “view” – and that was in Trinidad.  I don’t know anybody in Trinidad (although I am very happy that you found me, whoever you are!).

Well, that was just odd ‘cause I knew from talking to friends and co-workers, from checking my MailChimp account, and from reading my email and Facebook pages, that I had more than one hit on my blog that day!

Am I soooo special that every one of my friends, co-workers, family and other readers jumped onto the earliest flight to Trinidad that day so that everyone could read my blog together?  Or perhaps everyone joined together in a Skype conference to read that day’s post?

OF COURSE NOT!

Don't Give Up

Come on, WordPress, have a little sympathy for us.  I wonder how many new bloggers, after reading their stats on WordPress, have said to themselves, “Eff this – no one cares anyway!” and then simply QUIT blogging?

I almost did just that.

But then I received a PERSONAL EMAIL from one of my non-family, non-related readers in a different part of the country, who told me You’re doing great!  Keep it up.”  [Thank you, A!].  And there’s another non-family, non-related reader in another part of the country who consistently posts positive comments on my blog [Thank you, K!].

Were it not for these two supportive readers at the very beginning of my blogging adventure, I would have been forced to rely only on the WordPress stats, never knowing that there were many others who were, in fact, enjoying my work.  And I would have given up.

There must be a way for WordPress to add a line or column to the stats indicating how many actual “hits” there are (including from the WordPress Reader page), in addition to how many “visitors” and “views.”  Maybe that still wouldn’t  pick up the RSS feeds, but certainly it would be a more realistic indication of who’s actually reading the darn thing.  This little bit of extra information could very well make the difference to someone who’s on the verge of giving up blogging forever.

Anyone else with me on this?  Wouldn’t all you newer bloggers feel better if you knew how many people are really reading your posts?

Thank you for letting me vent.

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And now, back to the regularly scheduled programming …

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As always, I love to hear from my readers:  cordeliasmom2012@yahoo.com

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Images by:  Tammy Strobel/Rowdy Kittens, and Rob Swystrun, respectively

Posted in That's Life | Tagged , , , , | 66 Comments