(Joint Post by Anne Belov & Cordelia’s Mom)

EVER WONDER WHAT YOUR PETS DO WHEN YOU’RE NOT HOME?

Well, apparently Anne Belov’s cat, Mehitabel, and my dog, Cody, have been getting into some serious shenanigans, even though they live at opposite ends of the good old USA. I came home from one of my Remicade treatments and caught my Cody in the act of hijacking this website!  The post that was about to be published at that moment is simply too inflammatory to appear in the light of day, so it’s been destroyed – but here is the evidence of the collaboration via email prior to the defining moment:

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Dear Cody,

OK, first of all, I can’t believe I’m writing to a DOG. If my friends down at the Fluff ’N’ Stuff ever got wind of this, I would be drummed out of the Union of Elevated Order of the Felines for SURE! But I’m at the end of my yarn, so to speak, and I thought it was time to call in the reserves. (that’s you)

It was one thing when “She Who Supplies the Cat Treats” would draw cartoons of me, but then She started drawing pandas all the time, and now there are pandas all over the house. They are even crowding my special water glass that I insist on having to drink from. (only losers drink out of bowls!) I tried throwing some of the pandas on the floor, with plans to take them out to my “special place” and give them what for, but She found them before I got very far. Now She’s shut me out of part of the house just because I…um…made a “comment.”

Not that dogs actually have any ideas, but if you find one laying around, maybe you could send it my way.

Yours in cattitude,

Mehitabel.

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Hi, Mehitabel (may I call you M-Cat or something else instead? I can never remember your full name!) —

Until recently I didn’t even know what a cat was because there aren’t any around my house, and at the SPCA the cats were in a different room.  I’m sorry you seem to have issues with dogs, but gee, I’m just a puppy.  I have no reason to dislike cats.

Anyway, I have an idea.  I’ve been watching Mom doing her computer thingy, and she always looks so stressed.  Maybe you and I could help her out?  She turns the computer off when she goes to work, but sometimes if she’s just going to the doctor or something, she leaves it on.  I think I can figure out how to get into it.  I bet she’d be real happy one day if she came home and found her post for that day had already been written and published.

I’m not old enough to know very much, but you sound like you have a pretty good handle on things, and it seems like you’re as eager as I am to get into the blogging world.  Would you be interested in maybe writing something and sending it to me, and then I could sneak it onto Mom’s computer when she’s not looking?

I’m so happy to have found a friend like you who’s so willing to jump in and help out.  I’m sorry that your own Mom didn’t understand you were just trying to organize the pandas – I’m sure once she realizes how good you really are, she will give you extra treats.  I know my Mom gives me lots of hugs and treats when I’m extra good.

Can’t wait to see how happy my Mom is when she sees that post on her computer, and I’ll bet your Mom will be excited, too – you might want to ignore the pandas for awhile so that you can concentrate on what we need to do.

Your Faithful Tail-Wagging Friend, Cody

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Yo, Dog Breath,

It’s obvious that I need to take you in paw and clue you in to the way of the cat. I can’t believe you have led such a deprived existence…not knowing any cats! How do you get the will to live? I’m glad you have access to the computer. I have to use mom’s iPad and sometimes I hit the wrong letter thingie, because the keys (such as they are) aren’t the right size for my paws.

Yeah, I bet our mom’s will be really excited when they see what we’ve done.  Much better than a regurgitated mouse on the carpet, I’m thinking.

Maybe I should send you some of the pandas and you can …um…chew on them.

Cats rule,

Mehitabel

And you can call me “Boss-Cat”

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Back at ‘ya, Boss Cat.

I would love to have some of those pandas.  I’m running out of my own stuffed toys, and Mom gets upset when she finds me chewing on the squeakers.  And then there was that singing whale toy – I thought she’d be happy when I shut it up, but all she did was take the little sound box away from me.  I had to be content with just tearing the stuffing out instead.

What kind of sound do pandas make? And what kind of stuffing do they have – I like the cottony stuff better than the plastic-y stuff.  I do like the toys with all those little plastic beads that I can scatter everywhere, but Mom makes them disappear with that loud sucky machine – I’m a-scared of that thing.

I bet you’re not a-scared of it, even when it sucks up your own fur from the carpet.  I’m always afraid it will suck up my tail, which is still attached to me!

I looked at Mom’s hanging picture, the one where she writes down in the little boxes what she’s doing every day, and it looks like she will be gone at the end of next month for one of those treatments that always wear her out.  I think that would be an especially good day to help her since she’s going to be so tired.  Wanna do it with me?

Your Faithful Tail-Wagging Friend, Cody

PS:  I do not have dog breath.

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Oh Ye of Little Dignity,

I’ve written a scathing post for you to sneak onto your mom’s blog. It’s a sizzling expose` of the abuse that I, as feline royalty must endure under the reign of the cruel oppressor overlord that um…doesn’t let me do stuff I want to do. Make sure your mom doesn’t read it before you post it. She’ll lock the computer up when she’s not home for sure, if she gets her paws on it.

I’m sending you by mail several of those rotten pandas. If you like them, I’ll send more later. She Who Supplies the Cat Treats might notice (dim though she is compared to me) if I sent them all at once. Go ahead…rip their smug little heads off. They are full of nice fluffy stuffing.

Thanks again (sheesh! did I just thank a DOG????) for launching my manifesto on feline superiority.

Remember, mum’s the word!

Boss Cat Mehitabel.

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Dear Boss Cat –

I’m so happy that I can help both you and my Mom, at the same time! How cool is that?

The pandas are so tasty, and just the right amount of stuffing, and they make such cute little noises – thank you very much for sending them.

Mom stopped buying stuffed toys for me because she said there was no sense spending money on something I would destroy in the first 5 minutes. I don’t understand what she means – aren’t dogs supposed to destroy stuffed animals?  I mean, they’re really not fun otherwise.

And so far, I haven’t managed to catch one of those fluffy white-tailed things in the back yard (I think they’re called bunnies?), so the pandas are especially appreciated.

As soon as Mom leaves tomorrow, I will sneak onto her computer. I’ll let you know when I’m done so you can go on your Mom’s i-Pad and see how it turned out.

BTW, what is a manifesto?

Your Tail-Wagging Buddy, Cody

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I’m So Sorry, Boss Cat —

I overslept after Mom left today, and by the time I got to her computer, she came back and caught me! At the very moment that I was about to hit “Publish.”!

I don’t like being called “Bad Dog.”

Mom was very angry. She sat right down and started pounding the keyboard, and I saw that post just disappear.  Then she started clicking more keys, and the next thing I knew she was yelling at me about our emails.

She didn’t know where the pandas came from yesterday – I think she thought Dad gave them to me. But she knows now, and she’s not happy.  She said she’s going to tell your Mom on us.

Gotta go now. Mom just called me, and by golly, I better come right away!  People don’t forget bad behavior as quickly as dogs and cats do, and it’s going to take me awhile to make Mom love me again.  Lots of groveling and rolling onto my back and everything.

Hope things are better at your house.

In a few weeks, you and I will find a way to talk to each other again. Right now, I’m banned from the area around the computer.

With Tail-Between-Legs, Your Very Sorry Cody.

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And so ends the tale of the intended blog-jacking. A word of caution to all you pet owners out there:

Just because you don’t find your house destroyed when you return home, it does not mean your cat or dog has been sleeping peacefully the whole time.  Pets can be devious, and you need to be alert.

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The foregoing post is the joint work of Anne Belov and Cordelia’s Mom.  We sincerely hope you enjoyed it.

[Editor’s Note:  Anne made me do it.  She threatened to withhold cuppycakes if I refused.]

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Anne Belov (a/k/a Bob T. Panda) and I both love to hear from our readers.  You may comment on this post, comment on my Facebook or Twitter pages, or email me at cordeliasmom2012@yahoo.com

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Images by Anne Belov and Cordelia’s Mom