Election Day here in the good old U.S.A. is on Tuesday, November 4. Don’t forget that you are not bound to the candidates listed on the voting roster – there is such a thing as a “write-in” vote.
The “write-in” vote will come in handy this year, because I know y’all will want to cast your ballot for Cordelia’s Mom a/k/a CookieCakes for [pick an office, any office, even dog catcher would be fine – except that dog catcher would be my last choice because I wouldn’t want to give any of the dogs back after catching them].
Why should you vote for Cordelia’s Mom? So glad you asked.
I know nothing about any of the issues involved in any political race. Nor do I care about any of the issues. Heck, I’m not even a registered voter.
Therefore, you can rest assured that I will view each issue from a fresh perspective and will not be influenced by any rules, laws, or customs surrounding those issues. Voting on issues will be strictly by dart-board or coin-toss.
I dislike everyone regardless of skin color, nationality, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, or economic status.
Therefore, you can be sure that I will not favor any one group over any other group. Everyone will be treated equally shabbily.
I do not have money and have never had money.
Therefore, your political contributions will be especially appreciated. You will be rewarded by seeing your name in print on my blog (woo-hoo!), unless, of course, you wish to remain anonymous. You might even get a Cordelia’s Mom, Still coffee mug (a post on this will be coming after the elections).
I’m not interested in obtaining a 300-lb girlfriend in jail.
Therefore, you can rest assured that the aforesaid political contributions will, in fact, be used for the last-minute race to the [pick an office, any office, even dog-catcher would be fine]. I haven’t quite figured out what to do with any left-over funds – I’d have to research how that is handled by other elected officials, and follow their lead. After all, they aren’t going to jail, so they must be doing it right.
I’d be more than happy to “work from home.”
Therefore, I will save the taxpayers the expenses of a physical political headquarters. From what I’ve seen, not too many politicians actually work out of an office anyway. (Although there might be some taxpayer expense to expand my home to accommodate all those dogs I will be catching.)
I have no platform.
Platform shoes went out of style awhile ago, and my aging feet couldn’t handle them anyway.
Oops, that would be “political platform” – duh. Ain’t got one of those, neither. I just roll with the flow.
But I do have a slogan.
“CookieCakes has what it takes.”
Means absolutely nothing, but sounds good, doesn’t it?
OK, people, go for it. Take those pencils to the voting booth, pick your favorite open political office, and write in your vote for “Cordelia’s Mom a/k/a CookieCakes.”
On Election Night, I’ll be waiting eagerly by my TV, glass of wine in hand, for the results to come in – and I know you won’t let me down! Whether my wine turns into a celebratory toast or a sorrow-drowner, know that I love each and every one of you regardless of skin color, nationality, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, economic status, or preference for toilet paper over or under the roll.
[I am Cordelia’s Mom a/k/a CookieCakes, and I approve of this post.]
I love to hear from my readers. You may comment on this post, comment on my Facebook or Twitter pages, or email me at email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org
Images by: Gwen Harlow, and Jesse Palmer, respectively
Election day is on Tuesday? Damn, why didn’t anyone tell me? I’ve already got plans for Tuesday. That’s the day I’m recovering from Monday and getting ready for Wednesday. Well, good luck in your quest to be elected [pick an office, any office, even dog-catcher would be fine]. Don’t forget to vote for yourself.
Can’t vote for myself. I’m not registered. Guess I’ll have to find it if NotCM is registered …
I will vote for you… this is how I got elected the supreme ruler of all the universes… low voter turnout of low information voters… also, I firmly believe that no politicians should be allowed to run for public office.
Well, thank you for your vote. I’ll keep your special interest group in mind down the road.
I will send my lobbyists…
I assume that since you’re a write-in, we can write you in in every election in every state, right?
Absolutely, Every election in every state, county, town, village, school district, as well as the big US one coming up in 2016.
I would like to offer lollipop to the first person who writes me in somewhere, but that might be considered buying the vote, which, of course, is illegal.
I just might do that. And I won’t even take your lollipop.
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What about Cody? Will he be your formal advisor and receive a big wage? I know how you dog lovers work – it’ll be just like Nancy Regan, making all the policies and decisions. Cody will be actually running your government when you get elected.
I believe Cody, and her friend Mehitabel, may already be plotting to overthrow the position that I don’t even have yet.
Dear Ms. Cordelia’s Mom,
You don’t know me, yet, but my name is MegaCorp. I am a giant, nearly anonymous corporation with multiple product lines in nearly every phase of modern life, but with concentrations in gadgets, medicines and supplements which can become habitual and require steady, habit-forming dependence. One example is a safety razor that replaces the old $0.25 plastic single-blade job with our latest innovation, a 13-blade beauty with ball-bearing universal rotation. (Annual maintenance and check-up extra, of course.) I pride myself that I have transformed many phases of American life with innovative products like this, things people didn’t even know they needed! But enough about me.
Since the wonderful 2011 Citizens United Supreme Court decision declaring me a person (just like you!), I have been exploring many new relationships and after reading your blog I would like to acquaint you with my budding personality. I was delighted to hear of your new political candidacy and I feel we could make beautiful music together. You sound ideal, ever so open to new ideas and possibilities, so unencumbered by any silly prior convictions or principles! I think ours could be a match made, well not in heaven perhaps (I haven’t got a soul, hope you don’t mind), but at least in the Supreme Court. And I just might be able to help you with that campaign of yours. (Psst – you can use any leftover campaign funds however you like – it’ll be our little secret.)
I’m so excited to be branching out this way. May I call you Cookie? Hoping to hear from you soon, and in the meantime, don’t be surprised if a few nice gifts get delivered to your house and driveway. Let me know your answer and I’ll send the corporate jet to pick you up.
Love it, just love it!
Bravo! American politics laid bare right here on Cordelia’s Mom!
Always happy to serve my constituents.
Well, that was somewhat unexpected! Perhaps we can ask Not CM to join us for a threesome. I’ll look forward to receiving all those gifts. However, I don’t fly – is a horse & carriage out of the question?
Be sure to let me know what issues you are especially interesting in having resolved once I’m in office. I’ll forward my offshore account information immediately so as to avoid any delay in my voting decisions.
So happy to be working with you!
I am voting for you solely on your Winnie the Pooh for President Memorabilia.
I’ll take any vote no matter the reason behind it. Thanks!
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