Thank you to everyone who voted for me via write-in during today’s elections. The polls are still open as of the publishing of this post, and there are those of you who may have forgotten to vote and who (having seen the title of this post) will now rush eagerly to the polls to do your duty.
Sorry, people. As much as it pains me to admit, the early returns here on the East Coast would seem to indicate that my percentage (0%) is not what I had hoped, and even with a last-minute rush to the voting booths, it is unlikely that I will achieve the title of dog-catcher. Despite one reader’s offer of corporate funding, and despite all the individual contributions to my political fund ($0), I have simply been unable to overcome the obstacles involved in this year’s intensive [three-day] campaign.
And so, allow me to take this opportunity to graciously bow out of the race for any and all political offices, including the much-coveted dog-catcher position. The dogs will be disappointed, I know, especially since I had great plans to build [at the taxpayers’ expense] the most palatial shelter ever at my own home so as to accommodate every single dog caught. And Puppy Cody will be sad because she so wanted to be queen of the horde of hungry homeless canines.
But I am confident that the individual chosen by the People will do an exceptional job in that position, and I salute him or her, maybe even with more than one finger.
There’s always 2016 – I will appreciate your continued support and donations towards that upcoming minor race. Show me the love!