Sometimes fate (or God, if you’re religious) makes decisions for you.

I’ve been struggling with when I will finally fully retire.  My bosses know I’m on the way out.  Originally, I promised to  stay until the end of the year.  But I’m tired, the commute is long, and both hubby and I have been experiencing some age-related health issues.

Hell, I’m 71!  How long do I need (or want) to keep doing this?

So I’ve been going back and forth between an October 30th end date or a November 30th end date.  If I stay til the end of November, I can get paid for Thanksgiving and the day after.  But by then there could be snow (NOT doing any more winter driving!) and it’s one more month of stress which I most definitely don’t need.

I feel an obligation to my bosses, who have been wonderful to me over the years, but since the full-time staff employee left in April and hasn’t been replaced, it’s become just too much for me.  The bosses did bring in a temp to help out during the recruitment process, but I haven’t seen them intervew a single permanent employee.  I don’t know how long I can wait.

Already, I’ve become a somewhat undependable employee, due to my own health issues and hubby’s, and I’m feeling a little guilty about that.  When I can’t make it in, there’s no one to do my work.  It’s not fair to the others to have to cover for me so often, but they’ve been very patient.  And it’s been especially hard on me because I then have to catch up when I’m able to return, and since at most I work 3 days a week it can be difficult to get everything done.

So – Maybe it was stress.  Maybe it was  a bug or spider bite.  Maybe it was some kind of food allergy. Maybe some stranger sneezed on me.

In any event, on Thursday, my first day off last week, I developed swelling and pain on the right side of my head under the ear, which then moved to the left side of my neck under the ear.  By Saturday it had moved up to my left cheekbone and left temple, with a small strip across my forehead (even my husband noticed!).  Then it went back to the right side under the ear and the forehead rash had grown.  Topical hydrocortisone wasn’t working.  On Sunday I tried Benadryl, which also didn’t work.  I briefly considered going to urgent care but since I wasn’t having any breathing or cardiac problems, decided to wait until Monday when my primary doctor would be in his office, assuming the whole issue hadn’t resolved by then.

At any rate, fate (or God) seems to have stepped in.  I woke up yesterday looking like this:

And it’s not even Halloween!  I scare little kids with my normal face, but this?

I did go to work since I couldn’t immediately get through to my primary physician, but I only managed an hour there (during which time I accomplished absolutely nothing) before reaching my doctor, who advised me to go to urgent care or the emergency room. I opted for the ER because urgent care probably would have sent me there anyway.  6 hours later I was released on antibiotics and steroids.  No definitive cause was determined for all that swelling, other than it was probably some kind of viral infection that I couldn’t throw off due to my being immune suppressed from my Remicade treatments.

So today, I’m off work again, not looking much better.  But at least the headache and neck pain are gone.

And I’m a little closer to making my decision.

I think I’ve had enough.  I can probably make it through the rest of September, but I’ll never manage the end of November.  Considering the above photo, perhaps it’s appropiate that I plan my last day to be October 31.

Now I just need to drop that bomb on the bosses.  I feel bad that I may be leaving them in the lurch, but they’ve had plenty of time already to get fully staffed, and they’ll have more than a month’s notice to do what they should have already done.

Harsh?  Probably.  But my health and my family’s health is more important.

I’m exhausted.  I’m overly stressed.

I’m DONE.

Time to think of myself for a change.

Feel free to comment with your own thoughts, below or by email to cordeliasmom2012@yahoo.com.

Hugs, all.

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Images by Cordelia’s Mom/TeddyRosalieStudio