It’s one for the books, alright. At least for someone’s book, maybe even for my book if I ever get around to writing it.
In my job as a real estate paralegal, I try really hard to keep my clients happy and to make the sale process as painless as possible. Recently, I’ve been working with a client who is selling his mother’s house because mom is now in assisted living. The client lives in another state and is dealing with the household issues as best he can.
There’s an open home equity line of credit on the house, and apparently my client doesn’t have the money to keep making the monthly payments. It wouldn’t have been as much of an issue if the sale had closed when it was supposed to – but due to New York’s recently changed banking laws, every single deal I handle gets delayed by the buyer’s mortgage lender. Sometimes the delay runs into weeks or even months, rather than days.
Thus, my client has been receiving calls from the bank that holds the home equity loan on his mother’s house. Sure, he sent them the sale contract, and sure he assures them on every call that closing is imminent and the loan will be paid off in full, but they want their money now. They have begun threatening collection litigation.
The client called me and asked if I could maybe call the lender and explain that the sale will, in fact, be closing soon. He had the name and direct phone number of the last person he spoke with in the collection department. Sure, I said, I could do that; maybe it would help, maybe not, but I would make the effort.
So, I got on the phone. I called the direct phone number and reached the same person with whom my client had previously spoken. Let’s call the collection person Gary simply for the sake of having a name, even a fictitious name. (Hey, gotta protect the guilty, right?).
I was very pleased that Gary spoke real English – in fact, he seemed to be based right here in my very own country! Maybe even on the same coast, judging by his mid-Atlantic accent. Maybe this was one of the good banks which actually cares about its customers!
Gary had no idea whatsoever why I was calling him. He had no memory of ever speaking with my client and no recollection of ever dealing with this particular home equity loan. In fact, he doesn’t even handle home equity loans! Gary seemed to have a bit of an attitude and, judging from the sighs, appeared to have already had a long, stressful day dealing with lunatic paralegals and idiotic customers. But in an effort to appease me, he would transfer me to the home equity servicing department and was sure they could assist me.
Gary put the call on hold, or so he said. I waited and waited – and waited, through the silence. Or was it silent? I could hear papers being shuffled and someone breathing, and I swear an occasional sound of chewing came across the phone line. After about 10 minutes, I couldn’t stand it anymore, and asked “Are you still there?”
The response came in a little old-lady voice: “Yes, I’m still here.”
Say what?
“Is this the home equity department?” I asked.
The old-lady voice replied, “Is this the bank?”
You might have guessed where this was going – Gary had somehow managed to connect my call to another incoming call. The lunatic paralegal and idiotic customer were, in fact, talking to each other!
What a spectacular idea! Have the stupid callers complain to one another while the customer (dis)service representative sits back and laughs, or suddenly decides it’s time for his coffee or cigarette break.
I’d like to give poor Gary the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was so tired that he simply made an error. But really, how do you manage to connect two incoming callers accidentally? I can’t even do a conference call when it’s necessary. I usually manage to drop at least one of the lines while trying to conference in the other.
What do you think? Was Gary sly like a fox, or merely incompetent?
***
Soon, very soon, I will have another, even better, customer (dis)service story. Stick around.
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I love to hear from my readers. You may comment on this post, comment on my Facebook or Twitter pages, or email me at cordeliasmom2012@yahoo.com
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Images by Cordelia’s Mom
Cordelia's Mom, Still 
You’re good to help your client like that — it makes a huge difference in these stressful transactions!
As for Gary, I’m guessing he was just tired. Although the comedy possibilities are amazing!
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Ah, but you didn’t talk to Gary. I definitely got a vibe that he was capable of doing something like that.
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Ha! This was great. Thanks for making me laugh. 🙂
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I know, right? This happened at the very end of the workday, and I laughed about it all evening.
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So funny. I didn’t think that was even technically possible ??? Maybe customers would be just as effective solving each others problems. ☺
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Well, I did tell the other lady that perhaps we should both hang up and call back in. That was probably helpful.
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It’s like a disease that we can’t erase. We have no vaccine, no cure. It just gets worse and worse. one of my commenters said we need a new entry in the Big Book of Mental Issues called:
CSIPTSD, or Customer Service Induced PTSD. I’m pretty sure it’s getting to me.
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Your comment is very important to me. Please wait by the computer for a response. Your wait time will be approximately …. um, what did you want again?
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HahHahHahHah!
OhMyGhods – that is about the worst CS horror story I’ve ever heard, CM! Did you call back?
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No, I needed to get on with my other job duties so I could go home for the day. Calling back, while tempting, simply wasn’t worth it.
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Wow. How do you DO that? Connect two customers together? I’d have dialed him back repeatedly over and over again pretending to be all manner of people…
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Damn, I wish you lived closer to me. Think what fun we could have together!
I don’t know how it happened, exactly. I used to work in a call center, and trust me, there was no way to put two incoming calls on the same line, at least not accidentally.
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Maybe he has a secretary that plays the role of the other customer when needed…
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I think it was Gary, mimicking the voice of an old lady. He seems like a tricky one, who’d do something like that.
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I never thought of that. You’re probably right. Guess it takes a devious mind to recognize one!
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Ahem. But that wasn’t me who left that comment. That was my grandmother.
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This was a RIOT! And the comments, too! I’m laughing and snorting like a madwoman! I vote for incompetence, but I can’t even! How would you even DO that? Oh mercy. Thanks for the lolz!
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You’re very welcome. I laughed while I wrote it, and still laughing whenever I think about it. I’m sure Gary didn’t mean to brighten everyone’s day!
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I’m howling with laughter too – just never saw it coming. What next!!
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The next one doesn’t involve an accidental conference call, but I’m sure you’ll enjoy it, too. Give me a few days.
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How did he do that? I too would have called back again and again. I have stories of dealing with Specialty Pharmacies that are awful. Glad you could find the humor,
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Sometimes all you can do is laugh, right?
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Slylike a fox – two birds (no offense) with one stone.
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For sure, Dan. I wish I had know how to do that when I was doing survey calls. I could have had the respondents asking each other questions while I went to the vending machine for some chips or cookies.
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Pardon my French but “Gary” sounds like a dumba$$!
😉
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The dollar signs in that last word are particularly meaningful since I was calling a bank. Thanks for the chuckle, Vic.
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Sounds like Garry is an asshat. I hope you got his real name and made a complaint. Having worked in a call centre, doing something like that is grounds for heavy reprimand. SOmeone I was working with once did that. Twice. The second time would be his last as he received an instant dismissal.
It does remind me of a call I heard once though of a guy phones a Chinese take-away to order a delivery, then puts them on hold and phones another and asks the first one to recite the order back. The ensuing conversation is hilarious.
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Ah, so it probably was intentional! The other incoming caller didn’t sound like she found it particularly amusing, so hopefully she called back and complained. I needed to get to the rest of my work.
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Don’t know whether to laugh or cry – it’s so real!
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It definitely was real! Unfortunately, this sort of thing is all too common these days.
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Eh — I’ve suffered worse customer service. I can forgive that.
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Oh, do share, Diana!
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