There’s gotta be a back story, but I don’t know what it is.
So let’s make one up.
[The candy company administrative people are currently working remotely, due to the nasty COVID-19 pandemic. But the pandemic can’t stop candy manufacturing and marketing, can it? Some issues still need to be dealt with.]
BILL: Thanks, everyone, for joining this Zoom meeting. Are we all here? Where’s Joanne?
[Joanne quickly finishes a competitor’s candy bar; the edge of the wrapper can be seen in the lower left corner of her screen. Shame on Joanne. She may not be Zooming much longer, at least not for this company.]
JOANNE: I’m here.
BILL: Good, let’s start. We’ve received complaints concerning our “3 Musketeers” candy. It seems the name conjures a somewhat violent image of men with swords and attitude. Management wants us to come up with a more politically correct name. Any suggestions?
JOHN: How about “3 Men on Horseback“? We can leave the swords out of it.
EVELYN: No, that won’t work. The animal rights people will have a fit about the poor abused horses.
BILL: Good point. Maybe we could call it simply “3 Men“?
JOANNE: Um, I don’t think so. First off, no man would want a candy bar with that name – really, men eating men? No way. And while it might appeal to certain women who would love the idea of biting off a man’s head (no pun intended), others might feel the name is sexist. Both men and women eat candy, right?
EVELYN: Right. And who knows for sure that little group was only men – what about equal rights? Maybe it was 2 men and a woman, or 2 women and a man …
JOHN: oooo, an orgy! “3-Some” – Bet we could sell that! but maybe not in the local grocery store.
[sounds of chuckling and coffee slurping from various Zoom sites]
BILL: Let’s keep it clean, folks. Could we just call it “3 People“?
EVELYN: okay, but what skin color are those people? No one wants racist candy.
JOANNE: Yeah, and what is the political affiliation of these individuals?
JOHN: How ‘ bout “3 Persons Who Matter“? Don’t shake your heads at me – none of you are coming up with anything better, are you?
OFF-SCREEN SCREAMING: Mooommeee! Come quick!
[total silence on all screens]
BILL: Whoever’s kid that is, you wanna go take care of that?
[No one leaves. After all this is a work Zoom meeting, and absences to attend to family matters are noticed come raise time. But, wait, is that a little hand reaching up from the bottom of Joanne’s screen?]
BILL: Moving on. Does anyone have anything?
[Apparently not, judging from the pained expressions, chairs squeaking, fiddling with pencils, etc. – and in Joanne’s case, pretending NOT to be looking into another part of the room. She’s gotten really good at moving only her eyes.]
BILL: Alrighty then. I’m going to make an executive decision about the name. This meeting is adjourned. ‘Bye, everyone.
[And henceforth, the candy bar shall be called simply “3” – same great product, enjoyable by everyone!]
DISCLAIMER: I have never worked for Mars, Incorporated, the manufacturer of the candy in question and have never had any contact whatever with that company (other than occasionally consuming their tasty products – which by the way, include M&M’s, my absolute favorite photographic prop). Heck, I’ve never worked for any large corporation nor in any job which involved Zoom meetings. Obviously, the foregoing story is pure fiction, probably based on a sugar high after eating my photographic props (the aforesaid tasty products). I made up the names of all the Zoom conference attendees; if any of those names somehow match someone currently working at Mars, Incorporated, it’s purely a fluke. If anyone from Mars, Incorporated wishes to jump in with comments, I would be truly honored, but I would hope the Mars, Incorporated people would see the humor and enjoy this post as much as the rest of my readers will. Heck, maybe now there’ll be a run on “3 Musketeers” candy as people stock up for Halloween. Wouldn’t that be awesome?
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Image by Cordelia’s Mom/TeddyRosalieStudio