By now, everyone and his mother knows that I get lots and lots of spam comments on this blog. However, I also get lots of spam email. Most of the spam email is the usual “deposed king” missives that everyone receives, but sometimes an especially amusing and unique one comes in.
Hence, this post.
This week, I received the following email (I’m including only the text portion so as to protect the not-so-innocent, except that I have shown the author’s name, which I’m pretty sure is fake anyway):
Forgive my indignation if this message comes to you as a surprise and may offend your personality for contacting you without your prior consent and writing through this channel. I got your contact from the professional data base found in the internet Yahoo tourist search. When i was searching for a foreign reliable partner. I assured of your capability and reliability to champion this business opportunity
I am a Canadian Army my name is Captain Andrew Leung.
090209-M-3450C-014 II Marine Expeditionary of Multinational Division Center base in Kabul,Afghanistan, of the NATO Marine Force on Monitoring and Peace keeping mission in Afghanistan,On May 23,2014 we were alerted on the sudden presence of some Terrorists camping in Marzar Sharif . a suburb not too far from Kabul here in Afghanistan. After Immediate intervention, we captured three (3) of the Terrorists,(7) injured.In the process of torture they confessed being rebels for Abu Baqir a Taliban sub-commander and al-Qaida group leader, and they took us to a cave in Marzar Sharif. which served as their camp.Here we recovered several guns and other Ammunitions including some boxes among which two contains nuclear weapons, and the other contains some millions of US Dollars and i have in my possession the sum of 11.7 million U.S. dollars as my share.
I am in keen need of a Reliable and Trust worthy person like you who
would receive the MONEY,secure and protect the box which contains the US Dollars for me because in 3 weeks time some U.S.Army will replace our UNIT in Afghanistan and i will soon come back and finish the deal and relocate my family to your country. I assure and promise to give you 30% of this fund and you keep 70% for me, however feel free to negotiate what you wish to have as your percentage in this business.
It is never a stolen money or illegal money but because were on duty to bring peace in Afghanistan many soldiers lost their life and no amount of compensation that may bring back the life of dead soldier
then consider how the family will feel,that is the reasons my unit
decided to share the money among us but return all the guns and
ammunition’s to our Camp,it is official and that’s the reason i need
your assistance to ship the box to any save location of your choice.
Please, i trust you to maintain absolute secrecy and confidentiality
to protect my job,myself and the money. In less than 5 days the box
should be in your possession and i will give you further instructions.But you must know that i have taken precautionary measures to secure the money.The box is coded with high security gadget so am the only one that has the right combination to unlock it. Please send the following information so i can proceed.
Your full name ……………………….
Your full address ……………………..
Your direct phone number …………….
Your Age …………………..
Captain Andrew Leung
Well, now, isn’t that special ?! I’m used to Canadians driving across the international border to overrun our malls, shopping centers, restaurants, sporting events, etc.
But I have never, ever had a Canadian ask me for money. Why would they? Obviously, they have way more than I do – I can tell just by the number of them I have to wait behind in line at any local big box store, and by the much nicer vehicles, carrying Canadian license plates, in the parking lot.
And thus far, I have never met a Canadian who wasn’t extraordinarily polite. Probably, that’s why they drive so slowly down here – they want to allow plenty of time for all the American drivers to buzz past on the way to their own very important destinations.
Plus, most Canadians I’ve met speak way better than this email writer. Perhaps he’s not Canadian-born?
But to get back to the spam-mail:
I sure hope Captain Leung doesn’t send me the wrong box. I’m Ok with receiving the MONEY, but I would be very upset if he sent the nuclear weapons instead, especially since whichever box is sent, it will be “coded with high security gadget.” Yikes: crumpets perhaps? Those suckers can get really dry and hard during transit – I know because a co-worker once smuggled some across the border for us disadvantaged Americans. (Imagine my surprise when I discovered that “crumpets” are really just English muffins like the ones I can get at my local Tops Market.)
But I digress.
I hope the box is sent via some method that has a tracking number and that I am given the tracking number ahead of time so I can find out exactly when delivery will be. Then I could have Puppy Cody standing by – trust me, Puppy Cody will let me know if crumpets are involved.
Looks like a plan, eh?
(Thank heavens Canadians also have a wonderful sense of humor – don’t they?)
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